All Our Horrors and Demons to Fight
by hereiamdestroya
Summary: When James comes home late on a violent high, will it be the last time Kendall can do this? How long can he see his lover, his best friend do this to himself? Kames. Rated M for drug use, suicide. Please R&R. Thanks!


**Hey guys, this is a one shot featuring Kames. It's angsty. Based on the song ****_Don't Go_**** by Bring Me the Horizon. Some lyrics are used! Check out the song if you don't know it. it's great. Please R&R! Thanks ~hereiamdestroya**

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><p><em>If I let you in, you'd just want out.<em>  
><em>If I tell you the truth, you'd fight for a lie.<em>  
><em>If I spilt my guts, it would make a mess we can't clean up.<em>  
><em>If you follow me, you will only get lost.<em>  
><em>If you try to get closer, we'll only lose touch.<em>  
><em>Yes you already know too much, and you're not going anywhere.<em>

Kendall woke up as soon as rough hands clasped themselves over his mouth, halting his breathing. His eyes jolted open and his anxiety was relieved when in the little light from the moon through the window, he's saw it was just his boyfriend, James. Pissed at him, Kendall pushed him away and sat up saying "What are you _playing_ at?"

This definitely wasn't the first time Kendall's been woken up gone 3am by James stumbling into the 2J apartment and into their room. The brunette boy often woke not only him, but the other guys, his mother and sister.

And this wasn't the first time James looked out of breath, red cheeks and wide eyes with unnaturally big pupils. His hair was pushed back with little care and he sat on the side of the bed with his legs shaking.

"I think I'm killing myself." James grinned widely. Kendall sat up properly. He knew his boyfriend had probably gone to a club earlier and now, sat next to him, was high as fuck on something.

"James, _James_. Look at me. Look at me now." The blond grabbed the boy's face and held it towards him, eyes trying to make contact with James'. "What have you taken? Tell me."

The brunette laughed, so loudly his head shook and he just ignored the painful expression on Kendall's face. The brunette stopped, and soon enough, there were tears in his eyes and he slithered down onto the floor, covering his eyes with his arms. Panicked, Kendall climbed out of bed and knelt down in front of him, arms holding up the other boy. He could hear him whispering.

"We all have our horrors right? and our demons to fight…But how can I win when I'm paralyzed? They-they crawl up my throat-" The brunette wrapped his hands around his own throat before Kendall could stop him. The blonde grabbed his arms and tried to pull them away.

"James. _James_. I want you to listen to me. Look at me- What have you taken? Have you taken E?" Kendall shook the boy slightly, to make him look at him. The brunette shook his head yes, vigorously.

"God forgive me…for all of my sins…I'm going to _die_." James whispered, fright so clear in his eyes. Kendall managed to put the boy's arms down on the floor by his sides and held them there.

James pushed his head back onto the bed, showing his jawline tightening and his exposed neck. His legs were still shaking. Kendall didn't really know what to do. He knew James had been struggling with some stuff lately and they were being pressured by the label and James going out getting drunk had started to become a normality, but Kendall really didn't know how long James or himself could go on like this for. It broke Kendall's heart that James would rather go out and get wasted than confide in him all the secrets he was holding onto.

He looked at his best friend, his lover and he sighed, waiting to the boy to calm down a little.

"James, it's ok. You're going to be ok. But you need to sleep now." Kendall hauled the taller boy up and pushed him gently onto the bed, bringing the sheet over top of him. James didn't fight but his eyes were wide open and he was smiling again now.

"I'm going to get you some water." Kendall said but before he could take a step, James fiercly grabbed his arm and stopped him from moving.

"Don't-Don't go. I can't do this on my own. Kendall…they haunt me in the night. I can't live with myself" James's voice was thick with despair and tension and he held on to Kendall as if for dear life. "Stay with me tonight." The brunette tried to smile but he couldn't and Kendall did as he asked, sat down. The two boys were in almost exact reverse positions as they had been in before.

Kendall smoothed his boyfriend's hair in an attempt to calm him down. "I'm not going anywhere".

"Tell me that you need me 'cause I love you so much." James panted.

Kendall looked over him. This beautiful boy who he loved more than his own life. He never wanted any harm to come to him – but what could he do now that what poisoned James was himself?

"Say you'll never leave me 'cause I need you so much." James smiled, shutting his eyes. "I love you".

Before Kendall could reply, James had gone limp, his grip loosened completely and now the brunette was as peaceful as a baby. Kendall made sure he was still breathing but slid down to the floor, head in hands and somehow, managed to fall into a fitful sleep.

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><p>Kendall woke up early the next morning, despite not having slept very much at all and when he padded quietly out of their room and along to the kitchen, all was silent in flat 2J. He made a coffee and grabbed a bottle of water and paced back into the room, shutting the door behind him.<p>

To his surprise, James was awake. He looked like absolute hell, sitting up in the bed. His eyes were red and he looked so gaunt. He was going to come down hard.

Kendall just stood there. He had seen James high and on come downs before but last night was different. James had never actively tried to harm himself, not in front of his boyfriend anyway. There was so much running through the blond's head – how long had he been feeling like this? Had he hurt himself before? What would he have done in Kendall hadn't have stopped him?

"Kendall" The brunette's voice croaked and he looked so terribly guilty. Kendall threw the water bottle at him and it landed next to him.

"Are you ok?" Kendall truly didn't know what to say and he knew it was a pretty stupid question but it was his only reflect.

"I'm so sorry." He rubbed his eyes uncomfortably. "I- I have no idea what happened last night."

"James, we- we need to get you help. You can't keep doing this." Kendall sighed. This was horrible.

"I'm totally fine, I promise you. I just took a couple of pills last night that were a bit too strong, ok. It's fine." James told him, taking a deep breath.

"James, you cannot tell me you're fine when you're taking Ecstasy every other week and trying to strangle yourself!" Kendall almost shouted. He was so angry at him and so utterly sad that this is what was happening. "I am terrified that one night, you're not going to come home and I'm going to get a call saying they've found your body. Do you have any _fucking_ _idea_ what you are putting us all through?! What you're putting _yourself_ through?"

James was dumbfounded. He sat, tears in his eyes, his breathing shallow looking up at the person he loved most in the world, the only person he never ever wanted to lose for as long as he lived. "I'm so sorry." He said again.

Kendall moved closer, sitting beside him, turning to kiss the brunette softly on his lips. "_I do not want to lose you_". He spoke almost inaudibly but James heard him well enough. "Please, please help yourself…please stop taking the pills. Please talk to me".

James' eyes darted between Kendall's and the blood rushed out of his face, leaving him a pale mess still. "If I let you in, you'd only want out." The brunette told him quietly, his head rested against Kendall's chin, his body weight leaning against Kendall. And Kendall held him up, like he always did and he always would.

"I can't do this on my own." James said honestly, his voice breaking.

"I already know too much and I'm not going anywhere. I promise you. I am right here." Kendall whispered, pulling the boy closer to him. "I love you _so_ much."

James closed his hazel eyes, inhaling the smell of Kendall's day old t-shirt. He knew he had problems. He knew he needed to fix them and drugs and alcohol definitely wasn't helping him, but as long as Kendall never stopped holding him up, he'd never, ever fall.


End file.
